Offended on a Love Seat
If you’ve ever been offended by someone, this might be for you:
The five-day finale to our three-week European trip was a Mediterranean cruise compliments of John’s company. It was the morning of our last full day and we had arrived at the port near Rome. Sitting quietly on a love seat in our cabin waiting for a text from our driver to take us into the city, directly across from us was a mirror. I looked up and saw John’s intent gaze.
“Why are you staring at me?” I asked, suspiciously.
He sweetly smiled and said, “I’m just looking at our reflection in the mirror and seeing how old we’re getting.”
Great.
Mostly all I heard was old.
I responded in a way you might imagine and he did his palms up, “What? What’d I say?” signature move.
When I finally truly listened to his explanation, here’s what I heard him say. He actually wrote it down for me because I wanted to know what was truly true, and not what I had imagined was true:
“When I looked into the mirror, it was like I was watching a living portrait of us. I was looking at you and looking at myself and I was thinking about all the miles that we traveled, and all the years that we’ve been together and how we look pretty good considering all the time that has gone by. I was thinking about how beautiful you are and just feeling really grateful.” [sic}
(Pretty sure he added that last line as an extra layer of frosting to the apology cake, but okay.)
Sometimes we put our foot in it. I know I do. In Brooke Castillo’s podcast episode, Listening Hard, she says, “So there’s someone talking to you and that person is thinking they’re intention. They’re thinking what they mean to say. And then there’s what they’re actually saying. And sometimes, what they’re intending to say doesn’t come out the way they’re intending to say it out of their own mouth even. And then there’s you that’s hearing what they say and then you’re interpreting what they say.” [sic–taken from the transcript.]
At the bottom of this post are a couple of links to some fabulous insight about the topic of being offended or let down by someone. Yesterday mid day I’d listened to the audio of the podcast below and then this morning, the web article showed up in my Facebook newsfeed—so it was sort of like wisdom bookends, bonking me in the head.
I could have used a preemptive bonk last night:
Pardon my metaphor switcheroos, but yesterday evening I was involved in an online political collision, a pile-up so nasty I thought it best to delete the entire, horrible crash so that it wouldn’t remain on the highway for rubberneckers. There’s entirely too much negativity in this world and I don’t want to add to it. It’s one thing to want to be an agent of change but this was just an ugly wreck.
Of late, I’ve had some pretty blatantly rude words said to me and actions taken against me—some that are just not up for interpretation. Truly stunning behavior. But whether it’s loving-but-slightly-inartful communication (like on the love seat), or being blindsided by flat-out meanness, I still have choices to make and the choices range from giving someone the benefit of the doubt (listening hard) and realizing the pure meanness/abuse is about them and not me.
That’s not easy for me. It’s what some might call a “stronghold.” (2 Cor. 10:4)
So I need wisdom—morning and night.
One of my favorite lines in the linked article below is:
Once we are conscious, so-called abuse can only happen if we believe what the other is saying.
One of my favorite lines in the linked podcast is:
Forgive ahead of time.
A few weeks ago, out of nowhere it seemed, I had a thought bonk me upside the head:
Don’t underestimate your ability to delude yourself.
Some of my favorite people are self-aware, willing to look at their own weaknesses and speak them. (James 5:16) They are willing to look into the mirror and see their true reflection, looking for the living portrait.
https://thelifecoachschool.com/145/