Mrs. Kravitz was misunderstood.
If someone has a mute point, does that mean they’re just super quiet about their opinion?
If someone’s kind of negative about cereal, are they potentially a cereal killer?
Put your love where your mouth is and talk amongst yourselves.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Wait, that’s not true. Forget it.
I am the gnocchi whisperer.
Pretty sure God made the center of the cinnamon roll to give us a taste of heaven.
If I had a cat I’d totally name him Stevens.
I wonder if women named Destiny feel like they really have any choices.
A wisenrhymer is wise poet smart-ass.
If you want marriage to be a picnic, you’ve gotta pack the lunch.
If I had to open up a birthday cake store, or a cupcake store or any type of cake store or any store that sold cake-type products, I would name it Moist Likely, most likely.
Offensivity is when a person is offended by themselves.
It melted my heart like a butter in summer.
What if Brad Pitt had married a woman named Olive?
Fritos Scoops are both functional and delicious.
Which fruit will simply never run away and get married? Cantaloupe.
You’re my favorite person.
Bakersfield was invented to offset Laguna. (No offense, Bakersfield.)
What do you get when you’re allergic to grapes? Grapes of rash.
I wish I had more feet for John to rub. Sometimes I can sneak the first foot back in, hoping he’s forgotten he’d already rubbed that one—you know, stealthily cycle it through again. Sometimes if he’s distracted watching a movie, it’ll work. An awesome victory is when—without missing a feet—both feet are cycled through. That, my friends, is talent.
A mad scientist and a fabulous, creative cook are one and the same.
What’s it called when a woman recalls that, as a lactating mother, her milk was unpalatable to her baby? Bittersweet mammaries.
The aroma of hot dogs at a ball game? Okay. The aroma of hot dogs in a movie theater? Not okay.
Pigs are flying, hell’s frozen over and my dad’s on Facebook.
What’s it called when you get into repetitive shenanigans? Shenanagainandagains.
My go-to line on a bad day (which you may use): “This day is so tuna fish casserole.”
Gnocchi for breakfast both yesterday and today. Yesterday and today were both fabulous days. Coincidence? I think not.
Chicken pot pie should really be called chicken crack pie.
I want to get a hamburg in Germany.
I’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who loves me as much as my golden retriever, Max, loved me.
I like the simple things, like walking into a meat market and proclaiming, “This place is a meat market!”
I wonder if ducks make human lips when they take selfies.
I often wonder whether Urethra Franklin would ever consider doing a PSA for, say, bladder control. (‘Cause how perfect would that be?)
Like: The idea of sleeping in a tent. Dislike: Really sleeping in a tent.
One cannoli: “Cannolo.” Two cannoli: “Cannoli.” Several cannoli: “For all that’s good and holy, gimme more cannoli.”
I have yet to see a profile picture of someone’s profile. I find this not only confusing but dishonest.
I can predict earthquakes as they are happening.
If you need to wave a white flag, you may as well put it up and make a sail boat.
When you have to explain a joke, the terrorists win.
While I love Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm, I do think it’s bad advice.
Faith, Hope, Charity, Grace, and Constance, I’m sorry for all the pressure you ladies are probably under.
My sister telling me I make having a broken hip fun is about one of the best compliments I’ve ever had.
A true friend is someone who will tell you to your face you have garlic breath and still kiss you full on the mouth.
At my funeral I want “Amazing Grace” and “Brick House.” If that’s wrong I don’t wanna be right.
If I had a hammer I’d hammer later in the afternoon. Definitely not morning—too many people still asleep.
People in glass houses should not walk around naked at night with the lights on.
Saturday morning dilemma: Should I go work out or eat a bunch o’ sausage?
I detest the haughty way some people speak in third person. Pam Capone doesn’t like that.
I always wanted to work with a person named Annette, so that after we no longer worked together, I could say, “I’m working without a-net.”
Laugh hard today. Release your dolphins.
I don’t trust a person who appears to have the good sense to cook with garlic and then feels the need to wash the fragrance from their hands. Something doesn’t add up there.
Sometimes you’ve just got to be your own Santa.
I just decided. I’m going to repeat every sentence twice today, just for emphasis. Just for emphasis.
Our Alexa answers to “Celexa” and always seems very upbeat, quite copacetic, pretty Zen.
I don’t mean to overstate things like I’m a carb freak or anything but I do sweat flour.
I want to be employed by a company where my job is to write witty, sarcastic remarks. That way, when I’m good and fed up, I can yell, “I quip!” I’d mean it, too. I’d work there just for that opportunity alone.
Some say licking a plate is uncouth. All I can say is, you try and eat my garlic spaghetti for breakfast and see how much couth you got.
About trying hard versus just do it. Here’s a try-tip: When you say you’re going to try, I want to say, Does baby want a bottle?
If there’s a “fly in the ointment” you’d better take it back to CVS because it’s been tampered with.
Don’t count your chickens because if you have to count how many chickens you’re eating you might want to get your cholesterol checked.
Those who say, “Let sleeping dogs lie,” think dogs only have to be honest when they’re not tired.
I used to be such a great speller. Thanks for ruining my life, autocorrect.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze a little on your hair and go sit in the sun. It’ll give you some nice highlights.
A bird in the hand is worth whatever you paid for it at Petsmart.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you need to read some of Brené Brown’s book on shame and she’ll tell you the difference between shame and guilt.