Mrs. Kravitz was misunderstood.
Put your love where your mouth is and talk amongst yourselves.
Pretty sure God made the center of the cinnamon roll to give us a taste of heaven.
If you want marriage to be a picnic, you’ve gotta pack the lunch.
It melted my heart like a butter in summer.
What do you get when you’re allergic to grapes? Grapes of rash.
What’s it called when a woman recalls that—as a lactating mother—her milk was unpalatable for the baby? Bittersweet mammaries.
What’s it called when you get into repetitive shenanigans? Shenanagainandagains.
I want to get a hamburg in Germany.
I wonder if ducks make human lips when they take selfies.
One cannoli: “Cannolo.” Two cannoli: “Cannoli.” Several cannoli: “For all that’s good and holy, ‘gimme more cannoli.”
If you need to wave a white flag you may as well put it up and make a sail boat.
My sister telling me I make having a broken hip fun is about one of the best compliments I’ve ever had.
If I had a hammer I’d hammer later in the afternoon–definitely not morning–too many people still asleep.
I detest the haughty way some people speak in third person. Pam Capone doesn’t like that.
I don’t trust a person who appears to have the good sense to cook with garlic and then feels the need to wash the fragrance from their hands. Something doesn’t add up there.
I don’t mean to overstate things like I’m a carb freak or anything but I do sweat flour.
About trying hard versus just do it. Here’s a try-tip: When you say you’re going to try, I want to say, does baby want a bottle?
I used to be such a great speller. Thanks for ruining my life, Spell Check.
If someone has a mute point, does that mean they’re just super quiet about their opinion?
If someone’s kind of negative about cereal, are they potentially a cereal killer?
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Wait, that’s not true. Forget it.
I am the gnocchi whisperer.
If I had a cat I’d totally name him Stevens.
A wisenrhymer is wise poet smart ass.
If I had to open up a birthday cake store, or a cupcake store or any type of cake store or any store that sold cake-type products, I would name it Moist Likely, most likely.
Offensivity is when a person is offended by themselves.
What if Brad Pitt had married a woman named Olive?
Fritos Scoops are both functional and delicious.
Bakersfield was invented to offset Laguna. (No offense, Bakersfield.)
I’m just a suburban housewife who wants 12 Hour Fresh Breath. (Is that so much to ask?)
I wish I had more feet for John to rub. Sometimes I can sneak the first foot back in, hoping he’d forgotten he’d already rubbed that one–you know, stealthily cycle it through again. Sometimes if he’s distracted watching a movie, it’ll work. An awesome victory is when–without missing a feet– both feet are cycled through. That, my friends, is talent.
A mad scientist and a fabulous, creative cook are one and the same.
The aroma of hot dogs at a ball game, okay. The aroma of hot dogs in a movie theatre, not okay.
Pigs are flying, hell’s frozen over and my dad’s on Facebook.
My go-to line on a bad day (which you may use): “This day is so tuna fish casserole.”
Gnocchi for breakfast both yesterday and today. Yesterday and today were both fabulous days. Coincidence? I think not.
I’d be hard pressed to find anyone who loves me as much as my Golden Retriever, Max, loved me.
I like the simple things, like walking into a meat market and proclaiming, “This place is a meat market!”
I often wonder whether Urethra Franklin would ever consider doing a PSA for, say, bladder control. (‘Cause how perfect would that be?).
Like: The idea of sleeping in a tent. Dislike: Really sleeping in a tent.
I have yet to see a profile picture of someone’s profile. I find this not only confusing, but dishonest.
I can predict earthquakes as the are happening.
When you have to explain a joke, the terrorists win.
While I love Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm, I do think it’s bad advice.
A true friend is someone who will tell you to your face you have garlic breath and still kiss you full on the mouth.
At my funeral I want “Amazing Grace” and “Brick House.” If that’s wrong I don’t wanna be right.
People in glass houses should not walk around naked at night with the lights on.
Saturday morning dilemma: Should I go workout or eat a bunch a sausage?
I always wanted to work with a person named Annette, so that after we no longer worked together, I could say, “I’m working without a-net.”
Laugh hard today. Release your dolphins.
Sometimes you’ve just got to be your own Santa.
I just decided. I’m going to repeat every sentence twice today, just for emphasis. Just for emphasis.
I want to be employed by a company where my job is to write witty, sarcastic remarks. That way, when I’m good and fed up, I can yell, “I quip!” I’d mean it, too. I’d work there just for that opportunity alone.
Some say licking a plate is uncouth. All I can say is, you try and eat my garlic spaghetti for breakfast and see how much couth you got.
And that’s just for starters. Better buy the book.