Fresh One Liners

Nosy-neighbor-Gladys-Kravitz-708x350

Mrs. Kravitz was misunderstood.

Put your love where your mouth is and talk amongst yourselves.

Pretty sure God made the center of the cinnamon roll to give us a taste of heaven.

If you want marriage to be a picnic, you’ve gotta pack the lunch.

It melted my heart like a butter in summer.

What do you get when you’re allergic to grapes? Grapes of rash.

What’s it called when a woman recalls that—as a lactating mother—her milk was unpalatable for the baby? Bittersweet mammaries.

I want to get a hamburg in Germany.

If you need to wave a white flag you may as well put it up and make a sail boat.

My sister telling me I make having a broken hip fun is about one of the best compliments I’ve ever had.

If I had a hammer I’d hammer later in the afternoon–definitely not morning–too many people still asleep.

I detest the haughty way some people speak in third person. Pam Capone doesn’t like that.

I don’t trust a person who appears to have the good sense to cook with garlic and then feels the need to wash the fragrance from their hands. Something doesn’t add up there.

I don’t mean to overstate things like I’m a carb freak or anything but I do sweat flour.

About trying hard versus just do it.  Here’s a try-tip:  When you say you’re going to try, I want to say, does baby want a bottle?

I used to be such a great speller.  Thanks for ruining my life, Spell Check.

If someone has a mute point, does that mean they’re just super quiet about their opinion?

If someone’s kind of negative about cereal, are they potentially a cereal killer?

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  Wait, that’s not true.  Forget it.

I am the gnocchi whisperer.

If I had a cat I’d totally name him Stevens.

A wisenrhymer is wise poet smart ass.

If I had to open up a birthday cake store, or a cupcake store or any type of cake store or any store that sold cake-type products, I would name it Moist Likely, most likely.

Offensivity is when a person is offended by themselves.

What if Brad Pitt had married a woman named Olive?

Fritos Scoops are both functional and delicious.

Bakersfield was invented to offset Laguna. (No offense, Bakersfield.)

I’m just a suburban housewife who wants 12 Hour Fresh Breath. (Is that so much to ask?)

I wish I had more feet for John to rub.  Sometimes I can sneak the first foot back in, hoping he’d forgotten he’d already rubbed that one–you know, stealthily cycle it through again.  Sometimes if he’s distracted watching a movie, it’ll work.  An awesome victory is when–without missing a feet– both feet are cycled through. That, my friends, is talent.

A mad scientist and a fabulous, creative cook are one and the same.

The aroma of hot dogs at a ball game, okay. The aroma of hot dogs in a movie theatre, not okay.

Pigs are flying, hell’s frozen over and my dad’s on Facebook.

My go-to line on a bad day (which you may use): “This day is so tuna fish casserole.”

Gnocchi for breakfast both yesterday and today. Yesterday and today were both fabulous days. Coincidence? I think not.

I’d be hard pressed to find anyone who loves me as much as my Golden Retriever, Max, loved me.

I like the simple things, like walking into a meat market and proclaiming, “This place is a meat market!”

I often wonder whether Urethra Franklin would ever consider doing a PSA for, say, bladder control. (‘Cause how perfect would that be?).

Like: The idea of sleeping in a tent. Dislike: Really sleeping in a tent.

I have yet to see a profile picture of someone’s profile. I find this not only confusing, but dishonest.

I can predict earthquakes as the are happening.

When you have to explain a joke, the terrorists win.

While I love Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm, I do think it’s bad advice.

A true friend is someone who will tell you to your face you have garlic breath and still kiss you full on the mouth.

At my funeral I want “Amazing Grace” and “Brick House.” If that’s wrong I don’t wanna be right.

People in glass houses should not walk around naked at night with the lights on.

Saturday morning dilemma: Should I go workout or eat a bunch a sausage?

I always wanted to work with a person named Annette, so that after we no longer worked together, I could say, “I’m working without a-net.”

Laugh hard today. Release your dolphins.

Sometimes you’ve just got to be your own Santa.

I just decided. I’m going to repeat every sentence twice today, just for emphasis. Just for emphasis.

I want to be employed by a company where my job is to write witty, sarcastic remarks. That way, when I’m good and fed up, I can yell, “I quip!” I’d mean it, too. I’d work there just for that opportunity alone.

Some say licking a plate is uncouth. All I can say is, you try and eat my garlic spaghetti for breakfast and see how much couth you got.

And that’s just for starters. Better buy the book.