I really don’t like speaking of Stacie in the past tense for a few reasons. One, I miss her, and past tense phrasing reminds me that she’s gone from this earth. Two, I fully believe she’s more alive than ever, so she’s definitely not “over.” And three, for all I know, maybe she can watch what’s going on, here down below. That one’s tricky because from what I understand, there’s no sadness in heaven. So if she’s looking down and seeing what’s been happening on earth lately, I don’t know how she wouldn’t be saddened by so much suffering. So, since I don’t know for sure, I’m just gonna wing it here and do my best with the tenses.
I spent a lot of time laughing and chatting with Stace. She loved talking about her “very best things”—her kids. In fact, Stacie talked about her very best things a lot. She was/is so proud. When she spoke of her son, Jordan, as a baby, without fail, she’d use the adjective, delightful. I can still hear the sweet love in her voice: “Jordan was such a delightful baby,” she would say with a reflecting-back smile.
On Facebook this morning, Jordan weighed in on the #metoo hashtagging. I wanted to say something beneath his courageous honesty. I debated whether I should write “Your mom would be so proud of you,” or “Your mom is proud of you.”
I hope that there’s some sort of protective veil between heaven and earth, only permitting the delightful things, like sons and fathers—men—speaking in ways that make their mama delightfully proud. I’ve cut and pasted Jordan’s words, for whomever can see:
“For the times I’ve catcalled, I’m sorry. For the times I’ve participated in victim-blaming, I’m sorry. For the times, I’ve contributed to bro-culture (laughing at the wrong jokes, permitting bragging of sexual escapades, etc.), I’m sorry.
I like to think that I’ve grown a lot in these areas over the last decade, but I also know that through my teenage years (and accidentally occasionally still today), I’ve contributed too much to culture and attitudes that allow for the innumerable women who have to say “Me too”.
This Facebook movement has led to some great things. I personally got to have a very sobering, but authentic conversation with my wife about her own experiences growing up and even now. I’ve heard harrowing narratives from other women who’ve shared similar experiences.
As the dad of a daughter, my hope is that she can be spared from these experiences. I want to do everything I can in how I raise her, in how I conduct myself, in how I mentor other teenage guys, and in how I am a friend to the dudes around me – to shift my own community, and to create a safer space for women in our society and worldwide.
To other ladies in my life: the onus is not on you to fix things, nor should it be. But as a guy who is often blind to my own shortcomings in this area, I am very open to how I can improve in these areas and be a better human in creating a culture in which our women can prosper and thrive in their femininity without the threat of harassment/violence. I am listening. “
To Jordan, from another #metoo hashtagger, thank you for your voice. This is the way things change, for our present and our future.
I can hear your mama’s sweet voice, saying “Such a delightful man.”