One Way Ticket to Portland (first and maybe last installment. I just don’t know.)

Welcome to the first post of my new blog/website. HotpepperSpamwiches went to whole blog heaven. This new site is currently under construction, like my character on some (or most) days. For now, here are some notes on my trip to Portland, late May to who knows.

While it is a beautiful, unique city with fabulous food trucks, friendly Portlanders, and the home to Fred and Carrie, as well my daughter, it makes for the most confusing driving I’ve done to date, inside the states. Primarily because:

Bridges to everywhere: If you make a wrong turn, you’ll likely end up on a bridge, crossing the Williamette and going in an unintended direction. This can happen over and over and over in one point A to point B attempt.

Tons of one way streets with weird left turns: If you make a wrong turn, you may be going the wrong way, which has its obvious consequences.

Bike lanes: If you are not careful you may be driving in a bike lane which is weirdly in the center of the road and might make unfortunate contact with a man in bicycle shorts.

Trains: There is a light rail system called the Max, street cars that seem like trains as well, if you ask me (I mean, isn’t what I’m driving a “street car”?), and there are old timey trolley cars. There are railway tracks all over the streets and in the same place you are driving and you’re not sure exactly where you belong. And there are regular choo choo trains with the guard things that come down which you have to wait for like most more normal cities. But they go slower. And they seem weirdly long.

Road blocks: There are many road blocks due to some parade or festival for all the happy, food-truck-eating-people, which will cause a detour that Google Maps knows nothing about. This can often lead to a trip over one of the many cool bridges, go the wrong way on a one way street, compete with a train or a bicyclist for a lane, etc, etc, etc.

Buses: Don’t get me started on buses. They seem bigger and hoggier.

I have gotten lost driving more this week than I ever have. In my life. Confused to near tears only twice, which I think is impressive considering how lost and for how long.

More notes unrelated to driving a car in weird, but friendly, Portland:

Looking for a bag of dog food in the trunk of Cassie’s car, instead of that, I find:

One full size, person size chicken suit.
One full size, person size Wonder woman suit.

This does not surprise me.